Dear Crucial Skills,

I work with colleagues that seem to avoid Crucial Conversations. I think they are either afraid or doubt whether they’re in the position to speak up. How can I help them develop new perspectives on having difficult conversations and get them to at least try?

Dear Caring Colleague,

Thank you for your inquiry. I must admit that upon reading your question I couldn’t help but liken your situation to raising adult children. Those who know, know. It’s hard to have influence when you are unable to use tactics like, “Because I said so” or “If you don’t, I’ll have to take away your cell phone.”

Influencing others without authority can be difficult and feel impossible. And yet, influence isn’t only for leaders. Influence is the ability to change behavior in service of an important goal. For that, all you have to do is care. Caring is key to getting started. Hidden in your question are two possible assumptions.

Assumption number one is that your team avoids having Crucial Conversations because they don’t know HOW to do so. Their lack of ability makes it hard for them to speak up. Either they haven’t had the Crucial Conversations for Mastering Dialogue course, or they have and they are still developing the skills they learned in the course. For those who haven’t taken the course, encourage them to register and learn the skills to help them strengthen relationships and secure results in the moments that matter most.

For those who have taken the course but still struggle to speak up in crucial moments, the key to skill building is deliberate practice. Create opportunities (mini sessions) to practice the skills of dialogue. Malcolm Gladwell once said, “Success has to do with deliberate practice. Practice should be focused, determined, and in an environment where there’s feedback.” By following these simple guidelines, you will accelerate your progress and increase the application of the skills.

• Practice one skill at a time.
• Show a model.
• Practice in short intervals.
• Give feedback against a clear standard.

The second assumption is that your team doesn’t dialogue because they don’t WANT to do so. This could be for many reasons, including fear, doubt, past experiences or even the effort required to have the conversations.

There are several things that you can do to increase your team’s motivation. Begin by helping them identify connections between what they value and the behavior of speaking up.

• Identify outcomes and goals – What are the important goals/outcomes that could be achieved from creating a culture of dialogue?
• Make the invisible, visible – What are they not seeing? What are the natural consequences or impact of failing to speak up? What impact does this have on others, the team, the organization, and even themselves?
• Share success stories – Sharing a compelling example of dialogue creates a vicarious experience for your team, helping them see the value of having Crucial Conversations.
• Involve others – Look for ways to utilize the power of peers. Are their informal leaders—often referred to as “opinion leaders”—that you could lean on to help drive the behavior change? Creating peer mentor relationships or partnerships can also help motivate, educate, and foster accountability.

Whether your team lacks the ability or struggles with motivation, your power to influence is your greatest tool. Don’t look for one magic solution. Instead, leverage multiple influence strategies. Doing so will not only increase your influence, but also produce substantial, sustainable behavior change.

I’d love to hear from you as readers. What would you do to help your team use the skills taught in Crucial Conversations for Mastering Dialogue?

Sincerely,
Scott