Dear Crucial Skills,
When an employee has a lot going on personally, it often shows up at work. These past few years have been tough on everyone, and I feel both empathy and a determination to hold clear boundaries. I want to extend grace to my employees, and I want them to meet their job duties and performance measures. How can I extend my sympathies and maintain clear professional boundaries? When I’ve asked before, people often cross professional boundaries and overshare inappropriate or personal information. Please help.
Dear Sympathetic,
Your question resonates with me and highlights a common challenge for people leaders. It’s relatable because we’re doing just that—leading people, not robots. Despite one’s best attempts to suppress personal challenges and stress, there will be times when life simply wins—when whatever is going on outside of work begins to impact the employee’s work and performance.
For me, that time was 15 years ago when I was going through in vitro fertilization. For those who’ve experienced IVF, it’s an all-encompassing physical, emotional, and financial rollercoaster. You have very little control over countless doctor appointments, when to administer medications, what you can expect from the weeks ahead, and how you’re feeling from day-to-day. I was a young, eager, and committed employee. Nothing mortified me more than giving less than my best effort. But from time to time, the stress of IVF caught up to me. When my first and second IVF cycles failed, I was emotionally drained, and my work suffered. And yet, it was in this moment of vulnerability that those I worked with rallied around me, especially my manager. They supported me both with encouragement and understanding. They gave me the grace and time I needed to get through that experience. And if there’s a reason I have been with Crucial Learning for nearly 20 years, it’s because the people I work with have supported me in my most difficult moments.
So, I applaud your desire and ability to support your employees through tough times. As someone who has been on the receiving end of workplace empathy, I guarantee that your ability to be understanding and vulnerable with a struggling direct report will build deep trust, rapport, and loyalty. It’s the kind of connection people seek and are deserving of—even at work. Again, we work with people, not robots.
But it doesn’t always turn out like this. Sometimes we open ourselves up to other’s struggles and immediately wish we could throttle back our empathy. What we thought would be a simple invitation to better understand someone’s struggles can quickly become an intense therapy session, one in which you are not qualified to offer the level of emotional help or support the other person might need. And then, holding a boundary with someone who has just born their soul to you can feel impossible. Any attempts to draw a line may seem uncaring, unkind, and judgmental. All this when your initial motivation was just the opposite—to be helpful.
So, what can you do when you find that your offer to be sympathetic opened a floodgate of emotional baggage? Here are a few ideas.
1) Never pick up someone’s victim card. This advice was given to me by my colleague and fellow newsletter author Scott Robley. When Scott first taught me this principle, I told him I wish I had learned it on my first day as a people leader. It would have saved me and those I manage a lot of stress and heartache.
When someone plays the victim card, don’t pick it up. The moment you metaphorically pick up someone’s victim card, you assume some level of responsibility for their victimhood. You have acknowledged that what they have experienced or are currently enduring is too hard for them to handle and they are indeed the victim. Then you are responsible to solve their problem or perpetually acknowledge and accept their shortcomings as a victim. It’s an unproductive and exhausting role and it will only lead to resentment.
Instead of picking up their victim card, acknowledge it and then give it right back to them—with the added expectation that they rise above their challenge, and an expression of confidence that they can. Let’s play this out with an example.
I’m managing Carolyn and lately I notice that Carolyn has withdrawn from the team and her work is suffering. I reach out to ask Carolyn how she’s doing. Carolyn unloads difficult details about her past and her upbringing. She shares that recent events at work have triggered some of these feelings and it’s impacting her relationships and work. You may be tempted to delve into the details of her past, share your own experiences, and let her know you’re there for her. But instead of picking up the victim card she has played, say something like, “Wow, thank you for sharing that with me. That sounds really hard and I’m so sorry that you’ve experienced those things. But I also know that you have risen above those challenges in the past and I want to know what you need to be able to do that again.”
Encourage Carolyn to see herself as more than a victim and to find solutions to her performance issues.
2) Create Boundaries by clarifying your intent. When you feel that your employee is sharing too much or taking advantage of your empathy, you can respectfully set a boundary by clarifying what you don’t intend followed by what you do intend. More specifically, let the employee know that your intent is not to dismiss their struggle, but rather figure out how to help them navigate those challenges at work.
It might sound something like this: “Thank you for sharing that with me. That sounds really challenging and I can see why it could affect your work. I’d like to discuss how I can help you navigate these challenges while also getting your work done. I don’t want to come across as uncaring, but if I don’t spend much time talking about your challenges it’s because I want to keep the conversation focused on what we can do here to help you return to the level of great work that I know you can deliver.”
3) Escalate to HR. This final tip is most applicable when the employee’s challenges are health-related—either their own or those of a family member. It’s difficult to not be sympathetic and flexible to employees who have health challenges. But that doesn’t mean that you or the organization must bear the burden. If an employee’s health challenges are taking a toll on them or the team, there are FMLA laws that allow them to take a medical leave of absence to deal with their challenges and return to work healthy. Perhaps this is a step you’ll want or need to take to ensure that you and the employee can move forward healthy and effectively.
These are just three ideas, and I’m sure there are others our readers can share to help you navigate this tricky leadership challenge. Please share your own ideas and experiences in the comments below.
Balancing my role as a friend and confidant with that of a manager is difficult. Personally, I find that when I have a friendship with the people I manage, the work flows smoothly and quickly, communication is natural and productive, and there is mutual trust. My team knows that I care about them, and I feel their care and concern in return. And most importantly, it simply makes work more enjoyable and fun. Who doesn’t want to work alongside their friends?
But there is nothing more draining than an employee who, if given an inch, will take a mile. When you find yourself in this predicament, resist the urge to pick up their victim card. If you have already, lay it back down; communicate your boundaries and good intent; and escalate to HR if the situation warrants doing so.
Best of luck. Your teammates are lucky to have you.
Brittney
Update: This article was edited 8/14/24 to include an example for tip #1.
Can you give an example of how to acknowledge and return someone’s victim card to them?
I agree with this question – I almost shared this article but realized it might be taken wrong about the victim card, so an example would be great!
I agree, this is unclear to me as well.
My interpretation of this was that instead of saying something just acknowledging how hard things are like “wow that’s so awful” or that simply support someone who is feeling defeated or overwhelmed, because then they will continue to seek out support from you, you instead frame your response in an empowering way, like “That’s sounds really hard, and I know you’re a resilient amazing person and that you will figure this out somehow. I hope you can get support from a therapist, but I can help talk about strategies for the work-related problems you’re running into.” And then keep the conversation on the work problems side of things, leaving all the life/emotional problems for them to sort out. (I think this a great message, though I don’t agree with the “victim” language because I think it can be disrespectful/dismissive and is frequently used misogynistically.)
Thank you for pointing out the use of “victim” language. It is stigmatizing and can feel very dismissive.
Yes! Say, I’m managing Carolyn and lately, I notice that Carolyn has withdrawn from the team and her work is suffering. I reach out to ask Carolyn how she’s doing. Carolyn unloads difficult details about her past and her upbringing. She shares that recent events at work have triggered some of these feelings and it’s impacting her relationships and work. You may be tempted to delve into the details of her past, share your own experiences, and let her know you’re there for her. But instead of picking up the victim card she has played, say something like, “Wow, thank you for sharing that with me. That sounds really hard and I’m so sorry that you’ve experienced those things. But I also know that you have risen above those challenges in the past and I want to know what you need to be able to do that again.”
Encourage Carolyn to see herself as more than a victim and to find solutions to her performance issues.
Based on the feedback, I’ve added an example to the article. Thank you.
I love Dr. Brené Brown’s phrase, “What does support from me look like?” I think people managers/leaders are often tempted to think it’s our job to fix our people’s problems. “What does support from me look like?” holds space for the realities of being human while leaving ownership of the challenge with the person responsible to manage it. I think it’s also a great setup for negotiating boundaries. The employee is empowered to ask for what they need, and the manager is in a position to say, if necessary, “I can’t do that, but here’s what I can do.” And yes, don’t hesitate to involve HR for their expertise on what the organization can accommodate (or may legally be required to accommodate) and on what resources are available to provide support.
I really like the manner in which you pose the question back to the team member, “What does support from me look like?”, even if you borrowed it from someone else; thanks for sharing!
My workplace offers and EAP program with professional help for psychological and legal problems. This would also be a resource.
About 10 years ago we offered a physical to all our employees. It was kinda mandatory. In parts of Africa this is possible. One of my employees turned up HIV positive. He was the sweetest, nicest guy and a performer. I was gutted for him although it wasn’t news to him. I had no idea how to act after that. I felt like taking on a motherly role to this young man. What hit me the most about his story was that an older woman had taken advantage of him, lured him with money and niceties and he contracted the disease from her. I collected myself together and called to speak with him. I remember struggling to maintain empathy, but sympathy was all on my face as I asked if he needed some help or to talk to someone. I honestly did not know how to act after that. I just decided to let me be a mentor for his career growth while he worked for us. He could probably read through my sadness for him. To this day I feel so sad for him. I did not know how to acknowledge his choice in the matter as it would seem “uncaring”.
An HIV diagnosis is no longer a death sentence. Most people can now live a long and happy life with the proper treatment. What you did to to further your employee’s career was the ideal choice to make. It was an investment in his future. People can tell through your actions that you care. I’m sure he knew.
A couple other suggestions to offer to the employee who’s dealing with the personal situation that’s causing less focus at work:
1. Many companies have an Employee Assistance Program (EAP). These programs can help to find and offer support to employees who are dealing with personal and/or work related issues, as well as many other things. While trying to get the employee back to their normal productivity, a way to be able to not come across as uncaring is researching who that EAP provider is, and offering it to the employee as a resource that can them work through the non-work situation, thus improving their performance at work.
2. My company also has a critical incident stress management (CISM) team. We have trained peers who can confidentially listen to an employee’s situation, and coach them so they can find ways to productively resolve the issue; thus again improving their performance at work. If the company has one of these teams, this is another great resource the supervisor can offer to the employee, which will allow the supervisor to stay focused on the performance, while allowing the employee an additional resource to help them tackle their non-work related challenges.
Thank you — great insights for people on *both* sides of such conversations.
Nitpick — not sure if you “born their soul”, “borne their soul” or “bared their soul” is most correct for what you are trying to communicate.
I agree: “bared their soul” is probably a better grammatical/lexical choice. It’s otherwise a very helpful article, Brittney!